Round 3

When I was diagnosed with CLL in April, 2004, I felt my grasp on life was tenuous. I went through all the stages that people do when a loved-one dies. I told God I wanted to live long enough to see my grandchildren in college. I wanted to retire and to travel. I wasn't ready to give up my life. I shed many a tear and questioned God. And He told me he wouldn't give me a cross to bear without the grace to be able to do it. After a month or 2 I progressed and eventually ended up at acceptance. I was so accepting because I knew I wasn't going to die anytime soon. A round of 11 chemo treatments put me in remission, although for a shorter duration than I wanted.

Today as I went for a walk to the bathroom with my infusion pump pushed in front of me, and it came to me that I REALLY am a cancer patient just like the dozen others in the room. It wasn't an "Ahaa"; it was a calming feeling and the realization of a fact from which I've been hiding. It wasn't cathartic; it didn't even last long. I'm not sure I know what it was or why I struck on it. Maybe it was all the prayers being said for me that popped into vision briefly. Maybe I'm wising up. The meaning may become more clear as time goes by. I know because of a recent bone marrow biopsy that my CLL has mutated to a more aggressive form. I've given it a good deal of thought and I don't expect this remission to last long. Maybe God is signalling. I know He walks with me. I just need more faith in Him. Maybe it's time to ready myself. My recent sinus infection showed me how easy it is to catch something while immunosupressed (I had't been around anyone with symptoms) and how it could led to something doctors couldn't defend against.

My eye doctor told me not to give up on my eye. New drugs and procedures enter clinical trials daily. Recently doors have opened to help people with pancreatic cancer. There is also much hope for blood cancers such as for patients with ALL, AML, Multiple Myeloma. Thanks to LLS Team in Training and other campaigns, millions are being raised yearly to go into the fight. I simply have to live long enough for my cure. Easy!

I've decided on a trip in August to reinvigorate me; Im going to Seattle for a few days of geocaching fun where some of my friends will be also. I'm also planning a Santa trip to the Philippines in mid-December. That is if my hair and beard grow back by then :p

Health and happiness be with all for you reading this.